Passport Sagas

"Unfortunately, you are not eligible to use the 'Passport-by-Mail' application because the passport submitted was extensively damaged or mutilated and is no longer acceptable as proof of citizenship and identification."

Damn. This was my greeting from the United States Department of State today. Not good.

I'm going on a trip to Ireland in a month to visit Hubby-To-Be's relatives. Should be fun. I've never been there. I had a valid passport. Until I didn't. And now I'm a bit up a creek.

The Explanation

It was all very simple really. We were moving and we were clearing out stuff. Lots of stuff. I had gotten a passport the year before for our trip to China. They sent me back the new one along with the old one punched with holes. I threw them both in a drawer and forgot about them.

And then we were moving. Like any good citizen I thought I would keep the new one and dispose of the old one. Besides, the guy on Oprah said that our clutter makes us fat and I certainly didn't want to be any fatter moving to skinny little California.

We didn't have a paper shredder so I took my 'old' passport out of the drawer and cut it up into some nice pretty little shapes like a snowflake and promptly threw the shapes in the trash. I continued onto the bedroom to do some more good clutter-clearing work. And then I got to thinking... I didn't actually look at the passport before I cut it up. How did I know I cut up the right passport? Surely I couldn't be that stupid as to not look first? No harm done. I'll just go and check that I did the right thing. I couldn't have cut up Hubby-To-Be's passport instead could I? Uh-oh. I might be in a lot of trouble.

I trugged back to the kitchen. Dug the evidence out of the trash. With a sigh of relief my picture was staring back at me - not Hubby-To-Be's - but then with a shriek of alarm I realized that the picture was a bit too recent and not at all out of date. Crap. I just made a pretty snowflake out of my current passport. Not good. I kept all the pieces and moved across country.

So... trip is coming up and I applied for a new passport by mail. I included my old passport - pretty snowflake pieces and all. I even taped it back together so they would get the idea. I thought I did a very nice job thank you very much.

Apparently the government is not amused by these things, hence the snippy little (long) letter above.

Now I have to go to the government agency not only with more money and a new passport application but also proof of identification, proof of US citizenship, and "a written statement explaining the damaged condition of your passport."

So now I'm thinking - What should I say in my letter? I like snowflakes? My dog got hold of the scissors? I'm kinda dumb??

I wonder what counts as sufficient government explanation.